“You did an amazing job.”

“Oh, it really wasn't that big a deal.”

“You look wonderful.”

“This? I've had it forever.”

“You're so good at this.”

“Well, I've been doing it a long time.”

Someone gives you a compliment, and within approximately three seconds you've explained why they shouldn't have.

Then perhaps you wonder why you did that.

Maybe you're not being modest

There are plenty of reasons people deflect compliments.

Sometimes we're following social conventions. We don't want to appear conceited. Sometimes we simply don't know what to say.

But for some people, something else happens.

The compliment itself feels uncomfortable.

You may feel exposed.

You may distrust the person's judgment.

You may immediately think of evidence that contradicts what they just said.

Or the compliment may create an expectation:

Now I have to keep being this good.

The curious thing is that you may genuinely value the opinion of the person giving it.

You just can't quite let what they said land.

Positive information still has to fit somewhere

We tend to think that people naturally absorb positive information about themselves.

Why wouldn't you?

But human beings don't construct a sense of self from scratch every morning.

We carry an existing understanding of who we are.

Research on self-concept suggests that feedback that doesn't match an established self-concept can be harder to absorb. Positive feedback doesn't automatically replace what you already believe about yourself simply because it is positive.

Imagine that somewhere inside, your working description of yourself includes:

I'm competent, but nothing exceptional.

I'm the one who works hard, not the talented one.

Other people are more impressive.

If people really knew me, they wouldn't think that.

Then someone offers information that doesn't fit.

“You're extraordinary at this.”

The compliment has nowhere comfortable to go.

So you explain it away.

Compliments can raise the stakes

Sometimes the problem isn't believing the compliment.

It's believing it too much.

Suppose someone tells you that you're an excellent therapist, manager, parent, writer, teacher, or leader.

That can feel good.

And then another thought arrives:

What if I'm not that good next time?

Praise has suddenly become a standard.

The compliment that was intended to recognize something you've already done becomes a performance requirement for the future.

For a person accustomed to maintaining high standards, admiration can therefore feel surprisingly close to pressure.

You aren't merely being appreciated.

You're being observed.

What happened to pride?

Some families are comfortable celebrating.

Others are much more comfortable with accomplishment than with pride.

You may have been encouraged to work hard but discouraged from “getting a big head.”

Perhaps accomplishments were acknowledged briefly and then life moved on.

Maybe someone else's success always seemed more important.

Or perhaps praise was inconsistent enough that you learned not to rely on it.

None of this requires an obviously difficult childhood.

Sometimes the lesson was simply:

Do well. Don't make too much of it.

That can produce an adult who accomplishes remarkable things and then treats each one as though it were merely the minimum requirement for continued membership in respectable society.

Receiving a compliment is different from agreeing with it

There's an interesting experiment available here.

The next time someone gives you a sincere compliment, notice how quickly your mind begins preparing the rebuttal.

Then don't give it.

You don't have to agree.

You don't have to decide that the other person is objectively correct.

You don't have to manufacture self-esteem you don't feel.

You can simply allow their experience to exist.

They thought you did something beautifully.

They enjoy being around you.

They admire something about you.

That is information about their experience of you.

Perhaps you don't have to correct it.

Maybe “thank you” is enough

You don't need a clever response to a compliment.

You don't need to return one immediately.

You don't need to explain why the achievement wasn't difficult, the dress was inexpensive, somebody else deserves more credit, or you've actually made seventeen mistakes nobody noticed.

Someone offered you appreciation.

Perhaps the experiment is simply to notice what happens inside when you don't push it away.

“Thank you.”

And then stop.

There may be a moment of discomfort.

That's okay.

Something new is being allowed to land.

When Success Doesn't Feel the Way You Expected

Part 1: Why Doesn’t Accomplishing Things Make Me Feel Good for Very Long?
Part 2: Why Do Compliments Make Me Uncomfortable?
Part 3: Why Do I Feel Like I'm Faking It Even Though I'm Successful? Coming soon.

About the Author

Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the transformational therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy.

This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.

References

Jankowski, K. F., et al. (2024). Exploring asymmetries in self-concept change after discrepant feedback. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12276396/

This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.