When Anger Is Hard to Have | Part 2

This was supposed to be a clear conversation

You know what you want to say.

You have thought about it. You can describe what happened and why you are angry. You begin speaking.

Then your throat tightens. Your eyes fill. Your voice becomes unreliable.

Now you are angry about the original problem and embarrassed that you are crying. Perhaps the other person starts comforting you. Perhaps they become impatient. Either way, the conversation has shifted away from what you wanted them to hear.

Why do tears arrive when you are trying to express anger?

Tears do not identify the feeling for you

Crying is often associated with sadness, but people also cry when they feel angry, frustrated, frightened, relieved, or moved. Research on why people try to control crying describes both personal concerns and concerns about how others will respond. Tears happen within a social situation, not just inside an individual.

You may be angry and sad. You may be angry and afraid of what will happen if you say so. You may feel frustrated that an important concern has been dismissed again.

Or you may simply be angry and crying.

There is no need to decide that tears reveal a hidden emotion that is more genuine than the anger you recognize. They do not provide a complete explanation of your experience.

A more useful question is: What is happening for me, here, with this person?

The reaction to your tears becomes another problem

Perhaps crying has consequences you dread.

You expect to be called oversensitive. You worry that the other person will think you are trying to manipulate them. You fear that your concern will be treated as an emotional episode rather than something worth discussing.

You may begin monitoring yourself: Keep your voice steady. Don’t let your eyes fill. Don’t make this awkward.

That gives you another task while you are already trying to say something difficult.

Earlier experiences may matter too. If anger was unwelcome in your family, expressing it now may bring apprehension alongside the anger itself. That is one possibility to explore, not a conclusion that can be drawn from tears alone.

Crying does not always bring relief

People often recommend “a good cry” as though the outcome were predictable.

A review of crying and self-soothing describes a more complicated picture. Whether people feel better afterward varies with the person, the situation, and what happens around the crying. Immediate relief is not guaranteed. Is crying a self-soothing behavior?

Being listened to feels different from being mocked. Reaching an understanding feels different from abandoning your concern because you are embarrassed.

You do not have to make yourself cry, stop yourself crying, or feel grateful for the tears. You can notice whether the experience helps you understand something—or makes speaking harder.

You can cry and still mean what you say

Virginia Satir’s concept of congruence includes acknowledging your feelings, taking responsibility for them, and communicating with attention to yourself, the other person, and the context.

Applied here, congruence does not require a dry-eyed performance.

You might say:

“I’m crying, and I’m also angry. I want to keep talking about what happened.”

Or:

“I appreciate that you want to comfort me. I still need you to hear why I’m upset.”

If speaking has become difficult, you can pause:

“I need a few minutes. I want to come back to this conversation.”

A pause can give you room to find your words. Returning matters, particularly if difficult subjects tend to disappear whenever emotions become visible.

Therapy can offer a place to explore what happens when you try to express anger: what you feel, what you expect, and what makes it easier or harder to remain present.

Your tears do not settle who is right, what the other person intended, or what should happen next. They also do not disqualify you from the conversation.

In Part 3, the focus turns to a word that often enters these exchanges: hurtful. What does it convey—and how can greater precision help you respond fairly?

When Anger Is Hard to Have

Part 1: Can I Be Angry With Someone I Love?
Part 2: Why Do I Cry When I’m Angry?
Part 3: How Can I Respond Fairly When Someone Is Being Hurtful? Stay tuned.

About the Author

Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the experiential therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy. She addresses substance use when it occurs alongside another mental health concern; she does not provide stand-alone substance use treatment.

This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.

This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.

These blog posts are drafted with the support of ChatGPT. All posts are reviewed and edited by the author for accuracy, and consistency with the values of the author and this practice.

References

Simons, G., Bruder, M., van der Löwe, I., & Parkinson, B. (2013). Why try (not) to cry: Intra- and inter-personal motives for crying regulation. Frontiers in Psychology, 3, 597. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2012.00597

Gračanin, A., Bylsma, L. M., & Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2014). Is crying a self-soothing behavior? Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 502. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00502

Satir, V., Banmen, J., Gerber, J., & Gomori, M. (1991). The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond. Science & Behavior Books. Chapter 4, “Congruence,” pp. 66, 68–69. https://bit.ly/SatirModel1stEd