The day is over, but you are not ready to surrender it

You have been tired for hours. You could have gone to bed at ten. Now it is nearly midnight, and you are watching another episode, reading something unimportant, or finding one more thing to do. Or you’re on your phone.

You know tomorrow will be harder. You may already be annoyed with yourself. Still, going to bed feels surprisingly difficult.

Sometimes the question worth asking is: What am I getting from staying up that I have not had enough of today?

Being tired does not always lead to going to bed

Researchers use the term bedtime procrastination to describe going to bed later than intended when external circumstances do not require the delay.

Early research on bedtime procrastination found associations with insufficient sleep and difficulties with self-regulation. That does not establish a single cause, and it does not mean everyone who stays up late has the same problem.

Sometimes you lose track of time. Sometimes you resist ending an enjoyable activity. Sometimes the quiet hours after everyone else has stopped needing you are the first hours that feel like your own.

Understanding which experience you are having gives you more useful information than simply deciding you lack discipline.

What does the evening finally give you?

Perhaps you spend your day responding to clients, children, coworkers, or family members. Even your breaks involve errands or planning.

At night, nobody is asking anything. You can choose what to watch. You can finish a thought. You can exist without being useful.

Staying awake may become a way of protecting that experience. The cost arrives tomorrow, while the relief is available now.

If this fits, a stricter bedtime alone may leave the underlying problem untouched. Consider whether your day contains any time that belongs to you without first requiring you to finish everything.

That might mean leaving a nonessential task undone, making an evening commitment smaller, or arranging a period when someone else is responsible. The possibility depends on your circumstances; some demands cannot easily be rearranged.

What happens when the distractions stop?

For some people, bedtime brings a different difficulty. Once the television is off and the house is quiet, worry, loneliness, grief, or memories become harder to ignore.

You may not consciously decide to avoid those feelings. You simply keep finding reasons to remain occupied.

Try noticing the moment when you consider going to bed. What appears then? A sense of losing your freedom? Dread about tomorrow? Discomfort with being alone in the quiet?

You do not have to explore everything at bedtime. Recognizing the pattern may help you choose another time to talk, reflect, or seek support rather than asking an exhausted version of yourself to manage it all at midnight.

Make the transition smaller

“Go to bed earlier” contains several steps: stop what you are doing, get ready, tolerate the end of the day, and allow sleep to become possible.

Choose one transition to make easier. You might get ready before beginning an evening activity, decide in advance where an episode ends, or use a reminder to begin winding down.

Treat the result as information. If the reminder sounds and you strongly resist it, notice what you would be giving up. That may reveal more than another promise to try harder tomorrow.

Consider what is keeping you awake

Are you postponing the transition to bed, or getting into bed and finding yourself unable to sleep? Those experiences can overlap, but understanding which is happening helps clarify what needs attention.

If staying up protects your only private time, consider what would make the rest of your day feel more like your own. If quiet brings worry, loneliness, or grief, those experiences deserve attention beyond the exhausted hours at the end of the night.

Persistent difficulty sleeping, significant daytime sleepiness, or a marked change in your sleep deserves discussion with a healthcare professional. If bedtime repeatedly becomes a struggle around autonomy, anxiety, or difficult feelings, therapy can help you examine that experience.

You need sleep. You may also need something your late evenings have been trying to provide. Both deserve attention.

About the Author

Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the experiential therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy.

This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.

This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.

These blog posts are drafted with the support of ChatGPT. All posts are reviewed and edited by the author for accuracy, and consistency with the values of the author and this practice.

References

Kroese, F. M., De Ridder, D. T. D., Evers, C., & Adriaanse, M. A. (2014). “Bedtime Procrastination: Introducing a New Area of Procrastination.” Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 611. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00611

National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute. “Insomnia.” https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/insomnia

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