After the Argument is a three-part series about what happens when a conflict seems to be over, but something between you still does not feel resolved.
Part 2
And perhaps it was a good apology.
They understood that they hurt you. They took responsibility. They did not tell you that you were too sensitive or explain why you should not feel the way you do.
You believe they mean it.
You may even have said, “I accept your apology.”
And you are still hurt.
This can become uncomfortable surprisingly quickly. The person who apologized may wonder what else they are supposed to do. You may wonder what is wrong with you that their apology did not make the hurt go away.
Perhaps nothing is wrong.
An apology and its effects do not have to happen on the same timetable.
Research on apologies, negative emotion, and trust repair suggests that apologies can make a meaningful difference. But the researchers also found something interesting about emotion: when people experienced stronger negative emotions following the violation, the apology did not improve their perception of the other person’s trustworthiness in the same way.
In other words, an apology can matter without immediately changing everything that is happening inside the person who was hurt.
That seems worth remembering.
“I’m sorry” may begin repair.
It does not get to dictate its timetable.
Virginia Satir used the metaphor of an Iceberg to help people explore the experience underneath words and behavior.
Perhaps the apology reaches one part of your experience quite well.
They understand what they did.
And something else is still there.
I didn’t expect them to do that.
I felt so unimportant.
I hate that this affected me so much.
I want to trust them, and right now I don’t.
I want to know this won’t happen again.
The Iceberg cannot tell you which of these is true for you. It can invite you to become curious about what else may also be present.
You do not have to settle on a single explanation.
Imagine someone repeatedly arrives late for something that matters to you.
They apologize.
You may genuinely appreciate the apology.
But perhaps what eventually helps is that next Tuesday they arrive on time.
And the Tuesday after that.
If someone apologizes for yelling, part of repair may be discovering what they do the next time they are angry.
If they broke an agreement, it may matter whether they keep the next one.
If they dismissed your feelings, you may notice what happens the next time you tell them something difficult.
This does not have to be a test you secretly administer.
You are simply continuing to have experiences with this person.
Those experiences become information too.
There is a difficult moment that sometimes comes after an apology:
I said I was sorry. What else do you want me to do?
Perhaps nothing.
Perhaps there is no additional task to perform right now.
The person who was hurt may simply still be hurt.
If you are the person apologizing, it can be uncomfortable to discover that remorse does not give you control over the other person’s recovery.
Try not to turn your apology into a request for reassurance.
Their immediate relief is not proof that you apologized correctly.
Their continuing hurt is not necessarily proof that your apology failed.
You can accept an apology and still feel angry.
You can believe someone is genuinely sorry and still feel cautious.
You can forgive someone and decide that something needs to change.
You can understand why someone behaved as they did and still wish they had behaved differently.
You can also accept an apology and discover that the relationship itself has changed.
An apology does not require you to pretend that nothing happened.
It acknowledges that something did.
After the apology, there may eventually be another conversation.
Not:
Why aren't you over this?
But perhaps:
What might help now?
More understanding?
Different behavior?
Reassurance?
Time?
Space?
A chance to talk about something that the original argument never quite reached?
You may not know yet.
That is information too.
An apology can be sincere, important, and deeply welcome.
And sometimes repair begins there rather than ends there.
Part 1: Why Am I Still Upset After We’ve Resolved the Argument?
Part 2: Why Doesn’t an Apology Always Make Me Feel Better?
Part 3: How Do You Repair a Relationship When Both Are Hurt? Stay tuned.
Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the experiential therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy.
This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.
This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.
These blog posts are drafted with the support of ChatGPT. All posts are reviewed and edited by the author for accuracy, and consistency with the values of the author and this practice.
Banmen, J., Gerber, J., & Gomori, M. The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond. Science and Behavior Books. https://bit.ly/SatirModel1stEd
Ma, F., Wylie, B. E., Luo, X., He, Z., Jiang, R., Zhang, Y., Xu, F., & Evans, A. D. (2019). “Apologies Repair Trust via Perceived Trustworthiness and Negative Emotions.” Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 758. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6457316/
What does it mean to take care of yourself? Join Anne for the first Taking Care with Anne Lindyberg, a free weekly interactive livestream exploring presence, being yourself, and caring for yourself and others.
Monday, October 19, 2026, at 6 PM Central, live on YouTube.
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