“What do you want?”

It seems like such a simple question.

Where do you want to eat? What do you want to do this weekend? Which job do you want? Do you want to stay in this relationship? What would make you happy?

And yet, for some people, the answer is surprisingly difficult to find.

You may be perfectly capable of making decisions. In fact, you may make complicated decisions all day long. You can evaluate options, solve problems, organize other people, and figure out what needs to happen next.

But ask what you want, with no other criteria attached, and suddenly things get fuzzy.

Maybe you learned to look outward first

Children learn about themselves partly through having preferences and discovering what happens when they express them.

“I don't like that.”

“I want this one.”

“I don't want to go.”

“Can I have some more?”

Ideally, a child gradually learns that other people have needs and preferences too, and that each individual's wishes cannot always prevail. But the child’s wants still have a place in the room.

In some families, however, adaptation is especially valuable.

Maybe a parent was overwhelmed, unpredictable, easily hurt, controlling, depressed, anxious, or simply had very strong preferences of their own. Maybe there were siblings whose needs seemed more urgent. Maybe being undemanding brought approval.

Experiences like these can shape how we understand ourselves and relationships well into adulthood.

Nobody necessarily sat you down and said, “Your preferences don't matter.”

You may simply have become very good at noticing everything else first.

What does everyone else want?

What would make this easier?

What makes the most sense?

What would disappoint someone?

What would a reasonable person choose?

By adulthood, that process can happen so quickly that you don't even notice you've skipped a question:

What do I want?

Being adaptable can work extremely well

This is not necessarily a weakness.

People who are highly adaptive are often considerate partners, dependable friends, excellent employees, and remarkably easy people to have around.

They can go with the flow.

They don't make everything about themselves.

They can see multiple perspectives.

They may be genuinely generous.

The problem isn't being flexible. The problem comes when flexibility is no longer a choice because your own preference has become difficult to detect.

Then you may find yourself agreeing to plans you don't particularly enjoy. Staying in situations long after they fit. Buying what seems sensible instead of what you actually like. Letting other people choose because you truly can't tell what your choice would be.

Sometimes resentment appears later.

That can be especially confusing.

Why am I irritated? I said it was fine.

Yes.

You did.

But “fine” and “what I wanted” aren't necessarily the same thing.

Knowing yourself may require more than thinking harder

If you've spent years orienting toward other people's reactions, this usually isn't solved by making a list of your preferences.

You may already understand the pattern perfectly well.

The deeper work is learning to notice your own internal response before automatically organizing around everyone else's.

That can begin in very small places.

Which chair would you choose if nobody cared?

Do you actually want to go?

Are you hungry?

Would you rather stay another hour—or leave now?

Do you like this?

There doesn't have to be a profound answer.

Sometimes developing a stronger sense of self begins with discovering that you prefer the window seat.

And allowing that preference to count.

The Cost of Being Easy to Live With

Part 1: Why Don’t I Know What I Want?
Part 2: Why Do I Automatically Say “It’s Fine” When It Isn’t?
Part 3: Why Do I Feel Uncomfortable When Someone Takes Care of Me?

About the Author

Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the experiential therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy.

This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.

References

American Psychological Association. (2021). Developmental trauma: What you need to know. Monitor on Psychology.<a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/07/ce-corner-developmental-trauma"> https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/07/ce-corner-developmental-trauma

This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.