You could use a hand

There is too much to do. Someone close to you would probably help if you asked.

You think about calling. Then you decide it would take longer to explain than to do it yourself. Or that they have enough going on. Or that this is your responsibility, after all.

By the time anyone notices you are struggling, you may be exhausted and a little hurt that they did not notice sooner.

Asking for help can be difficult even when help is available. The obstacle may have less to do with the task than with what it feels like to make a need known.

What might asking mean to you?

For one person, asking is ordinary: Could you pick this up for me?

For someone else, the same request may feel like an admission of failure. You may worry that you will owe the person something, or that they will agree while privately resenting you. If you have been disappointed before, you may prefer the certainty of doing it yourself.

Sometimes independence has been earned. You learned to handle things because the help you needed was unreliable, came with criticism, or was offered only after you had made a convincing case. Continuing to rely on yourself may feel sensible long after your circumstances have changed.

In a study of how adults seek support in close relationships, researchers found different ways people approached their partners for help, including direct and indirect requests. Their findings do not explain any one person’s history. They do show that needing support and being able to ask for it are separate matters.

Hoping someone will notice

You may give clues instead of making a request. You mention how tired you are. You leave the overflowing basket where it can be seen. You say, “There’s so much to do this weekend,” and hope someone asks what they can take on.

There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to notice you. Being seen without having to provide instructions can feel deeply caring.

But a hint also leaves room for misunderstanding. The other person may hear that you are telling them about your day. You may hear their failure to offer help as evidence that your needs do not matter.

A study of direct and indirect support seeking during stress examined how those patterns related to attachment and depressive symptoms in a group of mothers. Its findings are specific to that group; they are not a rule for every relationship. They do offer a reason to pay attention to how you let someone know you need support.

Could the person you are hoping will notice tell you what they need from the clues you give them?

Help is not always a fair request

There are situations in which asking is genuinely difficult because the person you would ask is not dependable, is already stretched thin, or has responded badly before. You do not need to practice being more direct with someone who uses your needs against you.

There are also times when the work should already be shared. Having to assign every task can become another task of its own. Your frustration may concern an unfair arrangement, not a failure to communicate clearly.

It helps to distinguish those circumstances from a moment when a trustworthy person simply does not know what you need. One calls for a conversation about responsibility. The other may begin with a request.

A request someone can answer

You need not begin with the hardest thing to say. A small, specific request gives both of you something real to work with.

Could you take care of dinner on Thursday?
Could you listen for ten minutes without trying to solve this?
I have an appointment I’m nervous about. Could you check in with me afterward?

The other person might say yes, no, or suggest something else. A request creates room for their answer. It does not guarantee that you will receive exactly what you hoped for.

That uncertainty may be the hardest part. Doing everything yourself can be tiring, but it protects you from finding out whether someone will come toward you when you ask.

If asking for help feels unusually exposing, therapy can help you understand why. The work may include experiences that taught you not to ask, the relationships you have now, and what it would mean to let someone know you need them.

About the Author

Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the experiential therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy.

This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.

This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.

References

“Insecure Attachment and Support-Seeking During COVID-19: A Sequential Mixed Methods Investigation.” 2024. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38704616/

“The Influence of Attachment Style on Support and Feedback Seeking and Depression Severity Among Mothers During the COVID-19 Pandemic.” 2024. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38424640/