Notes for New Therapists is a regular series published on Sundays.

The pressure to say something useful

Your client has just told you something painful. They stop speaking and look at you.

You want to respond with something that helps. Something compassionate, perhaps insightful. Something that demonstrates that you understand what they have entrusted to you.

Your mind goes blank.

Or it fills with possibilities, none of which seems quite right. While you search for the right response, you may begin listening more closely to your own performance review than to the person sitting across from you.

Surely a better therapist would know what to say.

Perhaps. A more experienced therapist might also recognize that pressure and become curious about it.

The therapist has an iceberg, too

In the Satir model, the iceberg metaphor invites attention beneath visible behavior: to feelings, perceptions, expectations, yearnings, and the person’s deeper experience of self.

That includes you.

Your visible behavior might be asking another question. Underneath it, you may feel anxious, expect yourself to be immediately helpful, and believe that silence will expose your inadequacy. Beneath that may be a very human yearning to be accepted or to know that you matter.

There is nothing shameful about any of this. But it helps to recognize when your question is serving your need to feel competent more than the client’s process.

The Satir model offers a way to explore that inner experience rather than merely instructing yourself to stop being nervous.

Come back into contact

Satir’s emphasis on the therapist’s use of self asks something more substantial than choosing an appropriate technique. It asks you to notice how you are participating in the encounter.

Are you still in contact with yourself? With the client? With what this particular situation requires?

This is the essence of congruence: making room for yourself, the other person, and the context.

You might begin by noticing your feet on the floor, releasing the breath you have been holding, or acknowledging inwardly that you feel uncertain. Then return your attention to the client.

What did they actually say? What seemed especially important to them? What do you still not understand?

A question may emerge from that contact. It does not have to sound impressive to be useful.

Meet the person beneath the account

Suppose a client describes being excluded from a family gathering. You can readily imagine questions about who organized it, whether this has happened before, and what the client plans to do.

Those details may matter. Satir also invites attention to the person’s internal experience.

“What happened in your body when you realized you hadn’t been included?”

As you explore that experience together, you might discover hurt, an expectation that they should not care, shame about caring so much, or a longing to belong.

These are possibilities to explore, not conclusions to impose. A question is an invitation; the client may take you somewhere you did not anticipate.

You do not need to know their iceberg in advance. You need enough curiosity to encounter it with them.

Presence does not mean doing nothing

A quiet therapist is not necessarily a present therapist. Silence can offer room, but it can also leave a client feeling alone or unsure what is happening.

Sometimes a simple response helps:

“That sounds painful. What is happening inside as you tell me?”

Sometimes it helps to check what the pause means:

“Would a little time with this feel useful, or would you like a response?”

Your words should fit the person and the moment. These are examples, not lines to memorize.

Satir therapy is active and experiential. Giving up the demand for a brilliant response does not mean giving up direction, clinical judgment, or responsibility.

This is something you can learn

Knowing about congruence is different from remaining connected to yourself and your client when you feel exposed, confused, or afraid of getting something wrong. Developing that capacity takes practice.

The Satir model offers ways to understand your internal responses and work with them, alongside ways to explore the client’s experience. Your own humanity becomes something you can bring thoughtfully into the work.

Would you be interested in learning how the Satir model can help you deepen therapeutic engagement, develop your use of self, and respond with greater congruence? Leave a comment below if you'd like to be part of an upcoming training.

Sometimes we genuinely need help knowing how to proceed.

But you do not have to produce a remarkable sentence every time a client looks at you.

You can begin by coming back into contact—and discovering what becomes possible from there.

About the Author

Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the experiential therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy.

This article is intended to support professional reflection and learning. It does not constitute clinical supervision, formal training, or individualized professional guidance. Clinicians remain responsible for practicing within their competence, scope of practice, and applicable professional and licensing requirements.

This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.

This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.

These blog posts are drafted with the support of ChatGPT. All posts are reviewed and edited by the author for accuracy, and consistency with the values of the author and this practice.

References and Further Reading

Satir, V., Banmen, J., Gerber, J., & Gomori, M. The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond. Science and Behavior Books. https://bit.ly/SatirModel1stEd

Satir Institute of the Pacific. Satir Transformational Systemic Therapy (in Brief). https://satirpacific.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/Satir-Transformational-Systemic-Therapy-in-Brief-2024.pdf

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